Insurance

My wife, Mitzi  (yes, its her real name) and I completed an application for Long Term Care Insurance a few weeks ago.  Now we are waiting to see if we qualify, which I think is a nice way of saying the insurance company figured out we have just enough money left to pay the premiums.  I don't really want the insurance for me, after all, if I needed Long Term Care who better to provide that than my betrothed?  On the other hand, when Mitzi thinks about relying on me to provide for her comfort and well-being given that she can no longer perform 2 of the requisite "5 functions for daily living" the concept frightens her more than whatever ailment would cause her to be in that situation.  It would scare me too.  In any event, we originally wanted to pursue just the insurance for her, figuring we could spend all our remaining resources taking care of me but would then necessarily need to rely on some other method for allowing her to live out the rest of her days in dignity (or whatever euphemistic phrase the marketing materials use to whitewash the reality of dying).

Our agent convinced us that we should both apply for coverage with the understanding that we are entitled to incredible discounts based on our application as a couple and that there is a good chance I would be denied, due to my history of whipping cancer at least twice, which makes me not such a good risk for some reason known only to the "underwriters".  If they deny me but approve her then the premiums for her alone would still be calculated using the Husband Applied But Was Denied However The Wife Is Someone We Want To Collect Premiums From Because We Know We'll Come Out Ahead rate table, which I am told is much less than if she just applied on her own.

My biggest fear now is that the insurance company will, for some yet to be understood reason, approve me at an upwardly adjusted premium which if I then decline (since I have no intention of getting the insurance for myself in any event) will trigger a clause in the contract which negates any sort of discount on Mitzi's policy payments.  Hence, the anxiety of waiting for the good news, bad news telephone call, or more probably, email since it insulates the poor slob delivering the bad news from my immediate knee jerk reaction which would include anger, four letter words and whining, no doubt.

All of this anxious waiting has caused me to consider just what in the name of insurance I have already gotten myself into regarding the money that is transferred from me to the various insurance companies that regularly disappears from my grasp in the form of automatic debits to my checking account, payroll deductions and business expenses.

Let's see how this all adds up, shall we?  Homeowner's Insurance: The mortgage company owns my home but my name is on the title.  The mortgage company requires that I have hazard insurance to cover their loan so I fork over $900 for that every year . I used to have "flood insurance" with the low, low annual premium of $1,400, even though I live in the desert but we recently got that requirement cancelled through the work of my neighbor whom I have never met, the engineer, not the train kind, and I think a very large "campaign contribution" to our congressperson.  Automobile Insurance: I own 2 cars which have requirements for insurance at a cost to me of $1,800 per year.  Medical Insurance:  Since I am self employed I get to see the REAL COST for medical insurance as it does not get disguised as an "employee benefit" or massaged into some other expense.  Add the cost of Dental and Vision coverage and those medically related premiums run $13,000 per year, but, I'm damn glad I have that coverage which I'll discuss later in another epistle.  Life Insurance:  Various term insurance policies require about $2,000 annually to keep them in force.  Seems odd to have both Life Insurance and Long Term Care Insurance now that I think about it; one's a bet that you'll live a while longer and the other that you won't.  Business Liability Insurance:  Landlords and folks we do business with make sure our company has that type to the tune of $1,200 per year in case a client gets a serious paper cut on a stack of documents.  Errors and Omissions Insurance:  This is an interesting concept.  35 years in the business of selling real estate and arranging financing for folks buying homes and refinancing existing loans with a flawless track record doesn't lessen the need to have insurance in case we forget to tell someone something they should know.  I won't say I've never made an error or an omission but no insurance company has ever forked over a dime because I did, yet I am obligated to carry this coverage to the tune of $6,000 per year.  Add these all up and the first $26,300 I generate every year goes just to pay insurance premiums.  Throw in a grand for Worker's Compensation (in case I trip on the copy machine) and tack on the long term care policy for Mitzi and that total climbs to more than $30,000 every year.

I'm waiting for the day the Insurance companies start offering policies that will pay your premiums on all your other insurance in case you run out of money in the meantime.   If I was a Buddhist I would want my reincarnation to take the form of an insurance company.  The worn out line about how all the massive buildings and casinos in Las Vegas were built on the backs of less than lucky gamblers ought to be rewritten to include all large cities and insurance policy holders in the stead of gamblers since most of the big buildings in the world are likely owned or financed by insurance companies.  I think we could solve the budget deficit situation by allowing the IRS to redirect half of the premiums we pay the insurance companies directly to the US Treasury.  I think they would still have enough to pay claims and make a decent profit.  Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich:  Are you listening?