Cars and Technology

We've done it to ourselves I suspect. I'm almost certain it all started with a conversation, probably between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in the early 80's that went something like this:

BG:  ""Hey Stevie, what if we could develop a computer system that would insure that every automobile owner knew EXACTLY when to change their oil, rotate their tires and replace their air filters.  Wouldn't that be cool?  Wouldn't that save people a lot of money for unnecessary repairs due to neglecting routine maintenance?"

SJ:  "I think you are on to something Gatesy.  We could make the case that no automobile should be sold without these on-board computing systems and we get a little slice out of the purchase price of every car sold on planet earth.  I guess there's a reason they're going to call you a BILLionaire".

BG:  "WOW.  Its all becoming so clear to me Steve-O-Reno:  We tie the computers together so that even government employees can use them to monitor what is happening with the peep's cars, like the DMV in the State of California, to alert them to unsafe driving conditions or cars that over pollute.  Mechanics would only need to be able to decipher the output from the on-board computer to trouble shoot repairs.  I think it would save folks lots and lots of money since less time would be spent tracing down nagging problems and the computer would give the mechanics step-by-step instructions on how to fix it."

SJ:  "Gatesy, old buddy, we could piggy back on that computer system and add stuff that we haven't even invented yet like satellite radio, navigation systems, and a whole bunch of "i" shit that is rolling around in my brain like dollar coins in the U.S. Mint.  Hell, we could replace the auto mechanics of today with McDonald's counter help and call them "technicians".  Every car dealership and auto repair shop in the world would need another computer just to read the on-board ones and think about the software; regular updates, added features, new versions - all of it with annual subscriptions and of course upcharges for the latest and greatest.  We're gonna be RICH!"

BG:  "Hold on there Stevemeister.  I plan to give away all my money someday after I've enjoyed the holy hell out of it, assuming there is no Depression ahead of us, so I really want this system to be a total money saver for Joe Six Pack.  I am envisioning a planet full of non-polluting automobiles achieving 100 miles per gallon of gas that provides the safest form of transportation ever known to man.  I can see this computer system managing a network of inflatable pillows that protect the occupants in the unlikely event of a collision should the computerized warning system somehow malfunction. I'll bet we could even figure out a way to make the cars parallel park themselves.   I think we can drive down the cost of maintenance while insuring safer, cleaner cars with these computers.  I'm excited.  I have to get to work on it right away.  Are you with me?"

SJ:  "Sure thing good buddy.  Just as soon as I get my guys started on my super secret Walkman Replacement Project I'm there."

Fast forward to 2011.  My six year old Honda Pilot with 105,000 miles and in need of a smog certificate so that I could dutifully pay my next year's registration fee is delivered by me to my local, trusted auto repair shop.  I already know that the "Check Engine" light has been glaring at the driver (typically my wife) as it has for the 3 months since the Honda dealer told me I could ignore it until the inevitable smog check since it was determined by the "computer" to be related to the emission control system.  In fact the "code" indicated that most likely 1 of 3 Catalytic Converters on the SUV were in need of replacement but continuing to drive the vehicle would create no additional challenges.  I handed my keys to the service writer, shared with him my understanding of what the Honda dealer had previously told me about the meaning of the glowing light on my dashboard and walked away with my estimate for $240 to change the oil, perform the smog "inspection" and replace the battery that failed in my driveway that morning.  Of course, they would phone me with the update and revised estimate since they knew the beacon indicating Check Engine meant something, they just couldn't tell me what until the complete diagnostic check had been completed.

No sooner then when I returned to my office did I receive a phone call from the service writer with "Good News".  Apparently there was a "Service Bulletin" that existed in some obscure electronic format indicating that this particular model of vehicle suffered from some false positive readings of the on-board computer that indicated the Catalytic Converter had failed but in reality was triggered by misfires in any one of the six cylinders.  The recommendation was to perform a "valve job" (which for humans is called a "colonoscopy") at the low cost of $550 which was, of course, much cheaper than a new Catalytic Converter for $850.  After the valve job the SUV would need to have the computer "re-programmed" by the Honda dealer (they apparently possess some highly classified equipment or whatever to complete that task) after which we needed to drive the vehicle for at least 50 miles before the computerized smog check could be completed and hopefully allow for the ability to re-register my car with the State of California.  He went on to tell me that had this problem been discovered before the SUV had 60,000 miles, it would have been covered under warranty as a defect but since I had 105,000 miles they no longer considered that to be the case.  After having the service writer explain to me that my suggestion of rolling back the odometer was illegal and that, in fact, the big brother computer system would record that little transgression for any subsequent owner I reluctantly agreed to the valve job.

I picked the vehicle up from the repair shop that evening with the understanding that the smog inspection could not be completed until I put 50 miles on the SUV with the cross your fingers hope that the Check Engine light stayed in its current condition - OFF.  My wife and I drove the Pilot to meet some friends for dinner and the nerve wracking 10 mile trip up the freeway presented no change in the status of the ominous light.

I don't remember exactly where on the return trip it happened but I do remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach (which I initially thought was related to the fried chicken I was not accustomed to consuming) when the red-orange light that slightly resembles a human heart that was just ripped out of its owner signaled for my attention.  Hoping that the problem was with the light, all the while having the intuition that it wasn't even possible, I returned the Pilot to the repair shop the following morning.  Less than an hour later I received the follow up phone call advising me that, in fact, one of the 3 Catalytic Converters was being identified by the computer as having failed and that in order to pass the smog inspection it would need to be replaced.  Being in the position of a condemned man choosing between a gun or a rope I acquiesced to the recommendation and authorized the additional expense, which I was assured would then allow for the successful smog test.

I picked the vehicle up later that day and after forking over $1,600 (including the generous AAA discount of 10%, not to exceed $50) I received a detailed explanation of the entire process complete with computer print outs and copies of service bulletins along with my passing report card for DMV.  Hell, they even drug the failed Catalytic Converter out so I could see the damaged components, which in a typically masculine gesture I nodded my complete understanding although I could have better comprehended Nuclear Fission at that juncture.  The counter person handed me a bag of generic caramel corn and a coupon for a free car wash as a parting gift.  After all, it is the holiday season.

I found myself longing for the days when I could change my own oil and spark plugs of my 1965 Ford Mustang with a standard socket set and well used drip pan in my driveway; when I paid $2,800 for a Brand New Ford Pinto in 1972.  Then I remembered there was no bluetooth hook-up for my mobile phone in those cars.